Women, dump the change out your purse. See any nickels? Send one to me - you owe me. My wife got me thinking the other day about money in general and we vectored off to how much money it takes to find and marry the right woman. The sheer dollar figure astounded me. Let me explain why. I am an average 32 year-old American male. I spent seven years in the US Navy to defend our interests abroad and domestically. While in the Navy, I would spend at least three nights a week in bars, looking for women to meet.

Now, follow this closely:

Each bar has a cover charge of ten bucks or so and my buddies and I would go to two or three bars in an evening: $10 x 3 bars x 3 nights a week = $90 just to see and meet women. Once in the door, drinks get purchased: 3 or 4 drinks @ $4 per drink per bar = $16 x 3 bars x 3 nights a week = $175 for social lubricant. That's $265 per week x 50 weeks (two weeks off to recover) = $13,250 per year, just trying to MEET you!

If things progress with a young lady and I actually start to date her, the date-related expenses begin:

Condoms:  $3 a week
Dinners:  $150 per week (three dinners at 50 bucks a pop)
Movies:  $40 a week ( two people for two movies, plus snacks)
Gas:  $30 more a week than usual
Hotels:  $100 a week if you go cheap but clean
Sub Total:  $323 per week ($58 a week more than the hunting weeks) x 50 weeks =$16,150 after we meet, JUST TO KEEP YOU.

Considering that most of my relationships while I was in the Navy never had that kind of week to week continuity because I would have to go to sea at regular intervals, some of this amount can be reduced. Call it a nice round number of $10,000 a year either in pursuit of or in trying to hold on to a woman. I feel this figure is probably an underestimate, but I'll let it slide.

I was in the Navy for seven years. 7 years x $10,000 = $70,000 spent on women. Don't get me started on how much I spent in strip clubs or shopping for women too, I just don't wanna know. I met and married a fabulous woman three years after I got out of the Navy. Thank the gods. I don't know how I could have possibly maintained the pace anymore. But those three years prior to our meeting revert back to the higher totals of full time, not at sea, boyfriend-dom: {$70,000 + ($13,250 x 2)} + 16,150 = $99,400! Since I'm only a guy, I will only tack on $600 for the mental stress of having to balance my life in the pursuit of you all for a Grand Total of $100,000.

Now here is why I want a nickel from you. I figure that in my dating career, I saw or met about 2 million women. $100,000 divided by 2,000,000 = five cents. I spent ten years after I got out of high school trying to meet the perfect woman with which to share my life and raise my family. Now that I finally have, I think I deserve a rebate.

Pay up.


---Originally published in Sins---